I see this topic a lot on the internet, the concept that in order to give love, you need to have love for yourself. For a long time, I subscribed to this idea. However, I now have a similar, but different perspective on it.
Yes, you can love others and not yourself.
Everything is made of love, and you can share that without feeling it for yourself. I think it’s incredibly disappointing to believe that you are unworthy or unable to love simply because of how you feel internally. I don’t feel that mindset is beneficial, instead I think it can be further detrimental to one’s self-love.
Loving others can benefit your relationship with yourself, especially if the person you love is giving it back to you. That builds up over time, and eventually it can aid your own self-esteem and love, however it does not fix it on its own.
We, as humans, also tend to admire and try to adopt one another’s healthy habits. If you are loving someone beneficial, who loves themselves, it’s very likely to adopt their love for themselves.
Searching, discovering, and healing within yourself will bring you to love.
Love and compassion benefit both ourselves and others. Through kindness to others, your heart and mind will be peaceful and open. — Dalai Lama
Can someone love “correctly” while believing they are unlovable?
The way you feel, treat, and love yourself is reflected in how you interact with others. Specifically, in the form of self-detrimental behaviors.
The behaviors and habits you partake in directly affect the people you love, even in negative ways. Alcoholism, drug abuse, self-harm, under-eating, and over-eating for example, although meant to cause yourself harm, rather harm the people you love as well.
This will tie into my point. One of my favorite books is All About Love by Bell Hooks. In this book, Hooks touches deeply on her definition of love, which is much deeper than the textbook definition. Hooks defines love as an action of care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, plus honest communication. If any of these are missing, love is missing. One of her biggest truths is that love cannot exist where there is abuse, neglect, control, or fear. Regardless of how intense the feelings are.
Side note
On a side note, I highly recommend this book to anyone who lacks love or is interested in love. Bell Hooks touched on so many topics, including religion, the patriarchy, and abuse, that wonderfully tie into her perspective of love. The book is such an intricate and well-written mirror.
If you are indulging in harmful behaviors (stemming from a lack of self-love), and harming people you love with said behaviors, that’s where my opinion differs.
Not only this, but a lack of self-love and an abundance of insecurity can lead to controlling behaviors towards those around you. Love cannot exist where there is control.
If you are aware of yourself, actively trying to better yourself, and not unintentionally (or intentionally) hurting others, you can absolutely love without self-love. But if this insecurity develops into harmful behaviors, control, and a lack of trust, then love cannot exist, at least not in the same way.
What types of love does this question apply to?
I see this question mainly for romantic relationships, and I understand why.
Platonic and familial love are much different than romantic love. I cannot speak to family or friends for weeks, and the love has not faltered or lessened. Romantic relationships are much more committal and require much more work than this. You often hear people exclaim they aren’t ready for a relationship, but not that they aren’t ready for a friendship.
The love in romantic relationships is far more intense than the love in platonic relationships. The intensity of this love affects people far more than other loves. Loving romantically without loving yourself can often lead to over-giving, control, and the need to be chosen instead of the need to choose.
Platonic relationships may still suffer, but it’s more detrimental to you than the other person. Lack of self-love here may often lead to people-pleasing, tolerating disrespect, and losing yourself further. This is why surrounding yourself with good people matters. These downsides are very unlikely around the right people. My closest friend has loved me and treated me the same in my abundance and lack of love.
The question does not apply equally because not all love asks the same thing of the self. Some loves survive on instinct, others demand choice, boundaries, and self-worth.
You can love others deeply while barely loving yourself, but the places where you hurt will show up in how you love and treat others.
The idea that loving others might be the key to learning self-love
I touched on this briefly early on in this post.
Loving others is a mirror. Loving someone else forces you to practice things that you don’t practice with yourself. Including patience, forgiveness, grace, and protection. This can raise yourself to wonder why you don’t deserve that and force you to realize that you do.
Loving others also proves to yourself the capacity you have for love. You are capable of care, commitment, and softness. This shows yourself that you are capable of giving that to yourself in the same way. Even if you don’t see yourself as worthy, your actions show the truth in love.
Being loved in return (by a fulfilling person!) can break self-hatred and insecurity. If you see that someone feels safe and secure with you, it can solidify the idea that maybe you aren’t really so bad.
Loving yourself feels undeserved for many, but loving others is concrete. You show up, you care, you try, you stay present. Over time, this can subconsciously start to implement itself into your own life.
There is a clear balance here, however. Loving others gives you opportunity for self-love. It opens the door for you and gives you the option, but ultimately, you have to be the one to actually walk through it. If you don’t choose to move forward, you remain stuck, nobody can save you but yourself, they can only push you.
Jaded 
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