My mom came home from rehab yesterday, and since then I have noticed my energy has been a bit off. I have reflected over it, and I wanted to share my disappointment in this.
I think one of the most disappointing and rewarding parts of life is growth.
I am eternally happy to have grown in so many ways and to have become what I am, but I’m realizing that with that, everything I used to love has fell away. I have outgrown my previous life. I have outgrown my mom. The disconnection I feel is because my mom is still who she is, but I am not who I was. The two lives we live don’t intercept nicely anymore, like they used to.
To grow, everything must be left behind.
And it’s sad but also liberating in a way. My mother has been my best friend my entire life, I have always been so attached to her, and now it’s not, and it can’t be that way anymore.
It’s liberating in the way that it’s proof I’ve grown, proof I’m not who I was, and proof that I don’t want to be who I was. I don’t feel imposter syndrome when I feel such a disconnect.
“One day, you will look around and realize you no longer want to sit at tables you once begged to be invited to”
-Anonymous
I felt this same way with my previous college, as well. I prayed every night to get into a specific college, had several panic attacks about getting a dorm, and had constant FOMO when everyone else began at the college and I hadn’t.
Only to get there and realize it really wasn’t worth the begging and praying. I really didn’t want it anymore, because it wasn’t meant for me. The person I was would have adored it, but not me. It was a great experience regardless, but I had outgrown it. It wasn’t where I belonged (I would say it wasn’t where I needed to be, but I am always where I need to be).
But what happens after you grow?
I wish I had reflected enough to answer this better right now.
I feel it is double-edged blade. On one hand, I adore my mom for who she is. And I still long for her to be that close to me. But on the other hand, being that close to her again would cost everything I am.
I’m in a space that she can’t connect to in the same way. Trying to rekindle that space, I feel, would only cause harm to myself.
Is there a way to be so incredibly close with someone while being completely different? Or do they bring you down with them?
Or can you bring them up with you? Only if they want to be brought up. And if they don’t, it’s inevitable that you fall with them.
Is that deep of a connection with my mom worth that?
Would I have been willing to stay at the college which I outgrew? And would that have hurt me, or enrichened me? I would have stayed for at most, the year. I would not have returned. If my mom wasn’t my mom, would I stay? Would I return? What is the difference here?
I think maybe what happens is that you are forced to learn how to let two worlds intertwine, for a moment, without exploding. Without both worlds turning into a pile of rubble. I think that’s a very delicate thing to manage.
Holding onto something to such an ideal, only to have it completely dissolve is painful. It’s even more painful when the reason the ideal shifted is simply because of change. Not for any logical or solid reason, just change.
I was going to write: “I feel losing the relationship with my mother would be easier if…”, but the truth is even if there was a more solid reason, it would not be easier. I think we, as humans, just feel more relief when there is something more solid backing how we feel. Relief is merely temporary though, and it would have been equally as painful regardless.
How do you know that you’ve outgrown something?
If experiences/people that used to rejuvenate you now exhaust you, you’ve outgrown it.
Your energy clashes with energies lower than it. If your energy isn’t on the same level as those around you, you will feel worn out and exhausted. Even if you have done nothing to exhaust you.
This is why you are always encouraged to surround yourself with good people. High energies lift each other up.
Since I have come home from college, I have been completely exhausted. This is also due to other things, but the truth is, this old life isn’t what my being needs anymore. And I think that’s a good thing.
I want there to be a way to revisit old parts of life without it being painful or unnourishing, but I’m not sure if there is. Am I supposed to leave everything and everyone I don’t connect with behind?
I think I just accept them, the experience, and the life for what it was/is. I think you can revisit in small doses, as long as you are extremely careful with where you are putting your energy (Like I said, the problem there is that it is a very delicate thing to manage. It’s not easy).
Don’t exhaust yourself on situations that do not serve you.
And if you feel yourself being pulled back or down, leave. Leave or set very firm boundaries.
I love my mom for all she was, all she is, all she could be, and all that she will never be.
These might all be the same thing.
And I accept her for all of it.
I don’t know if I will ever be as close with my mom as I was. I think the bond has dissipated. But I think my growth was worth it.
Jaded 
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