Technically its 4:01am but rounding it seemed the better option. I haven’t slept yet. It’s the last day of my spring break and I’m on my grandmother’s couch, rewatching The Summer I Turned Pretty (my opinions are now changing on Conrad). The room is very quiet, both in energy and sound. I feel nighttime is the best time for me to be awake and productive, everything feels so still as the world sleeps.
I thought that since I haven’t posted much lately, I would just use this post as a mind dump. Everything I’m thinking, as it comes. This is going to be one of my more messy and unorganized posts.
What’s on my mind?
Although TSITP is far from one of my favorite series, I’m enjoying binging on it. I last watched it about three years ago, and my opinions on the show were a lot different then. It’s nice to rewatch it with a new perspective. One of the things I like most about the series is how authentic the characters actually feel. Belly feels more like a normal teenager than, physically and mentally, a perfect one.
I went thrifting with my grandparents today and my papa bought this huge book about old cars. He flipped through it and talked about the different cars for hours, then watched a documentary on them, and then searched for one of his own on Facebook marketplace. It was so sweet to me seeing him completely enamored in something. Watching him find joy in something small (to me) brought me joy. I love how contagious that feeling is, and I wonder if anyone else felt it too. Edit: The next day he read his book about trucks while sitting in his own truck.
Speaking of which, at the same store, I found this beautiful dreamcatcher. I felt so connected to it as soon as I walked past it, and as soon as I could I searched for it again. I put it on my new handbag.
I think what keeps me awake on night like this, besides nausea, is playing The Last of Us before bed. I don’t think the adrenaline fully leaves my system once I turn it off. Note to my future self.
I’m so excited to go back to college and back to work. I actually miss my job, which is not something I thought I would be saying a year ago. I love doing fun hairstyles for work, making my uniform more like me, and matching my accessories for it. A year ago, I couldn’t keep a job, I couldn’t do much other than lie in bed. I’m really proud of how far I’ve come.
Engaging with media and being reminded of someone in all of it is such an amazing feeling. Even finding the good in the bad characters to relate them.
My mom has been sobered for months now. She’s just like her old self again, and I love being around her. I’m partly sad to be leaving my family for college again.
I really want to get myself some new dresses. I hardly ever wear dresses, and I don’t know how much they suit me, but the thought of having something to dress up in makes me super happy and excited. Unfortunately, I’m saving my money, but once I have enough to invest in some, I will be indulging.
For my next nail set, I’m thinking about getting either plain black, plain white, or some black cat designs. Designs feel more like me, but I’m fully aware that I’ll be sick of them after a week. Plain nails seem way more stable, if that’s a word I can even use for nails. After this next set, I plan to give my nails a break and some fresh air. Having healthy nails is very important to me, more important than them being done.
This summer, I may visit my dad. I haven’t seen him in nearly four years, and as much as we have our differences, I feel like I need to go out of my way to see him. Not only am I seeing him, though, my best friend lives in the same town. I’m already seeing her in august, but if I could see her twice, that would be such a blessing. I’m a bit worried about how seeing my dad will affect my view on him, as I know he is dealing with way more health issues than he tells me. I know it’d be scary to witness it firsthand, but it may be worth it.
Update: I fell asleep while writing this post. Apologies for it being so short 🩷.
Jaded 
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